Friday, February 21st
It’s been ten days since he’s called or texted me. It’ll probably be another week before he will. Of course I know what’s going on by now. I just don’t know whether I should be mad, hurt or upset. It’s no surprise anymore. When will this ever stop?
Friday, February 28th
Still nothing. I feel like going over to his bar tonight. Making sure he knows I’m still alive. Who knows, maybe even catch him red-handed. Still not sure what to feel yet, although anger seems to be a returning emotion. What do I even still want from him? I talked to Sasha about it today. She, as always, told me to quit it, let it just be over with. I agreed with her. But I just don’t seem to find the courage inside myself to actually do it and besides, I wouldn’t know how. Even when I give myself time to let go, eventually he will contact me again and I will fall for his little white lies and let myself get dragged back. It’s how it happens every time and I just don’t know how to break the pattern. God, I wish I didn’t love him so much.
Thursday, March 5th
Well, he’s gone and done it again. I knew it. He met someone else, and as usual, it lasted for about two whole weeks before she dumped him and he came running back to me. Something wants to make me say: “I told you so.” But I wouldn’t know who to say it to but myself. I am the fool who picks up the phone again. And I know I shouldn’t. I know so well! But somehow, I still feel those butterflies when he talks to me again. I keep telling myself: “See, he does love you, because he does come back.” But why? Why do I keep going through this ritual over and over again, where he cheats, then comes back to me, I shout and yell, cry and eventually forgive him and try again. How long will he stay this time? Three months? Less? I never know, but I keep hanging on anyways. Can someone please shoot this hopeless romantic inside me?
Saturday, March 7th
How crazy am I? Jack came online around 1 am last night. We started talking casually. But after just a while it came down to the same old thing. He wanted to see me. And yes, I wanted to see him too. God, how I’d missed him. So stupid as I am, I got dressed, jumped into the car and drove to his house. When I got there the lights were all turned off, except in the attic. I could see the lights in his room on. I texted him and heard the sound of his phone echoing through the window. No response. “He must be in the bathroom.” I thought. So I called. I heard the phone ring. Still nothing. Maybe he was already in bed and he was sleeping in his parents’ room, because his mom was in Africa again. I walked to the front door and rang the bell. Still nothing. I tried the landline. I could hear it ringing inside. He didn’t pick up. I started to get annoyed now. I checked the shed to see if his bicycle was there. It was, he had to be home. So I started looking under plants and doormats for a key. I knew his mom was the type to keep spare keys outside. All I found were some spare keys to a bicycle. I tried the shed. No keys there either. But I did find a jar of marbles. So I started throwing marbles at his window. Most of them didn’t make it, one or two flew in through the open window. Still no Jack. When I ran out of marbles I started looking for pebbles. In the dark, in the backyard. By this time I had woken up the neighbors, because I saw a light flick on in the house. I ducked away and waited for the light to turn off again. I felt like a burglar. In the mean time I had been digging in my bag, searching for something to throw at the window. I found my mascara. I threw it at the window. It made a loud bang and ended up in the roof gutter. Still no response. By now at least 45 minutes had gone by and I was steaming mad. I gave up. I got back into my car and cried all the way back home. I am never, ever driving to a guy’s house in the middle of the night. Ever again. Especially this guy’s
Wednesday March 11th,
Jack called me today, out of the blue. It was during the day and he was actually sober. I was so surprised it made him laugh. He said he missed me and wanted to see me as soon as possible. He’s never said that to me before. I was still mad about Friday night, but I decided I could spit that in his face when we spoke face to face. I don’t know what to make of this. We’re meeting for dinner tomorrow night. He’s taking me somewhere. Of course I have to be the one to pick him up, but that’s just because he doesn’t have a car yet. I wonder where we’re going. It will be nice going somewhere together. He never takes me places. In fact, we’ve never even been on a real actual date. I should dress up and do my hair. I wonder if he notices…
Thursday, March 12th
Midnight, here I am, all dressed up. No Jack. He didn’t call or text. I tried calling him three times but he’s not picking up. That Ass! I am so over this!
Monday, March 16th
Jack called me at 3 am last night. He was all distraught and obviously drunk. I didn’t pick up the first three times he rang and then he texted:
“Are you mad?”
My only response was:
“Duh”
I couldn’t help but respond. I was awake anyways. I was after the first ring. Wide awake and my heart was pounding like crazy. Why does he get me all worked up? Even when I am so mad at him. So when he called a fourth time I finally picked up. To hell with a good night’s sleep, who has to work anyways? At first he just kept quiet after I had answered with a simple: “WHAT?”. After a minute of silence I sighed and I was about to hang up when he started to talk. As usual he sounded scarily clear yet I knew he was drunk. His sentences weren’t making any sense. But he mostly kept apologizing and he wanted to make it up to me. He couldn’t answer me why he had stood me up though. He just said he ‘forgot’. His standard answer. He has such a bad memory, no wonder with all the substances he keeps abusing. But as always, I caved and asked him what he was going to do to make it up to me. Apparently there is this huge party at the club close to his house this weekend. They’re sold out, but he said he could get us in. So, hesitantly, I said yes. What else was I supposed to do?
Friday, March 20th
This weekend is going to be a surprise. I spoke to Jack on Monday and he said he could get us tickets to this party tonight. He would celebrate his birthday there as well. He’d call me if he had them. I haven’t heard anything since. I’d love to go though. I know his friends will definitely be there, maybe this time things will be different. I’ve picked out my outfit and my hair is done. But I am not putting anything on until he calls or texts. I am not going to sit all made up and waiting like I did last week.
Sunday, March 22nd
I am beside myself with anger. I should have known. I sat around all Friday night, waiting in vain. But I decided I wasn’t going to let it get to me this time. I can cope with disappointment, I have so many times before and especially these last weeks. So last night I went out with the girls. Just a fun night, to forget about Jack and the fact that tomorrow is his birthday. It really helped. I had a great time with the girls and got home quite drunk. And then today, I turn on my laptop, go to facebook and there they are. The pictures of Jack’s birthday party, at the club, with the girl he had cheated me with just a month ago. And the pictures were clear enough to show that whatever they had going on, it wasn’t over yet. The same feeling hit me that I had when I discovered about the last girl in November. But this time I am not going to let it just pass like that. I found their email addresses (of both girls) and I sent them an email telling the whole story. How he’s been cheating on me for almost 2,5 years now. How he told me it was over with them, but seeing from the pictures it clearly isn’t. I cannot believe I fell for his excuses again! I almost lost friends over this. How blind can love make a person? It’s ridiculous! I wonder if he’s even going to respond. I am sure he’ll find out soon enough.
Tuesday, March 24th
Jack’s birthday was yesterday. I didn’t text or call him. Apparently it didn’t bother him at all, since he didn’t text or call me either. I had some interesting emails though. From both the other girls. The one from November instantly believed me, she had had a feeling back then something was wrong and she was sorry it had lasted so long for me. The other one didn’t believe me at first, but then she read the email of the first girl and she had to cave in. The first girl works with him, so I am sure by now he’s heard about it all. I am curious to see what will happen next.
Friday, March 27th
Jack came online tonight on IM. He was furious. We talked for about half an hour. It turns out that girl who works with him has spread the word over there and he’s been getting a lot of shit dumped on him by everyone. He blames it all on me. I never even occurred to him how much it might have hurt me to find out he was still seeing that girl, that he lied to me over and over again. No, to him, what I did, sending that email was the worst thing anyone has ever done to him. And people have done some nasty things to him, I should know. So he said, he wanted to break all contact with me. I think for the first time in two years I touched his heart. Maybe it was by hurting him, but I think it’s really the first time anything I said or did hit home. Anyways, he blocked me on IM and removed me from facebook. I don’t know whether to feel relieved or sad now. I think it’s a combination of both. Maybe I can finally close this chapter of my life…
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